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and at least wouldn’t get tired beyond what our age could bear.But then, reasons by themselves are a matter of intellect. As for reality, it need not defer to our wishes, beginning with the withdrawal of two new friends, which robbed the first reason of more than half of its weight. Even though nothing happened to undermine the second reason, coming to the third, about having an easy walk – everything turned out to be the opposite.When I outlined the plan, I told Tong, a native of Lang Suan, that trekking this time would be just a matter of stretching our legs for no longer than four of five hours, as the new members weren’t used to trekking and the old ones had almost lost the habit because they mostly spent their lives drinking.Tong listened and agreed with me and promptly took the concept to Sakon and Sakun, comrades of ours who were posted locally. The plan that came out was that we would be driven from Lang Suan to Phato, put all of our gear on a boat at a village called Nai Yarn and then have the boat go upstream and wait at a resting place by the watershed while we would walk unencumbered across the mountain to meet in late afternoon, a walk of eight to twelve kilometres at the most, which even at a slow pace we could expect to cover in no more than five hours.Everything sounded good. Trekking through the jungle without anything to carry, returning by boat – this was the programme giving the most weight to convenience we had ever devised. Therefore many of us had hit the bottle happily ever since we got on the train, in the belief that, no matter what, there was nothing to worry about concerning tomorrow’s performance.But a bad omen for our jungle trek this time appeared clearly as soon aswe got off the train in the hour before dawn the next day. Two days earlier, the Lang Suan district and neighbour- ing areas had been hit by a severe rainstorm that wasn’t over yet and all the roads were under water, and when you looked up at the sky the black clouds that kept gathering didn’t suggest that the storm was over.It is said that when we have bad luck, sometimes heaven sends us a warning, but because of bad luck we ignore the hint even when it is heaven that warns us.“You must understand that we haven’t come for a walk, but to face danger,” I told Wiroat to get him thinking well in advance.But having said this, the one who had to do most of the thinking was me. No matter how often I asked myself, the answer was the same: I was responsible for at least half of the grief encountered in both personal and collective matters every time, and when these were over I had to find thetime to sit feeling sorry.Sure, everyone makes mistakes.This I don’t dispute, although I feel it is too superficial a statement to explain anything. What I wonder is why I had to decide in a particular way, even though I knew it was a dangerous situation, even though I knew that suffering and dismay were waiting, be it going into the jungle to fight against the government or leaving home to struggle with life, quarrelling with the near and dear, or putting to sea to face waves and wind.Or is it that actually our personality is another form of imprisonment? When it crystallizes it becomes a secret power that controls us all the time. We must act like this because we are like this, and if we don’t act like this, there will be scarcely any evidence left to show who we are.Therefore, where does true freedom lie in being born a man?Isn’t it that many a time we struggle to break down the walls and controls that keep us outside only to be thrown into the “inside jail” we build ourselves? Isn’t it that many a time when we stand up so arrogantly that the world won’t have anything to do with us, in some quiet lonely corner we flog ourselves mercilessly?‘On an Aimless Course’ continues in the next issue of Elite+.About the AuthorSeksan Prasertkul was born in 1949 in the eastern part of Thailand. He received a PhD in political science from Cornell University, USA, and apart from writing, he has served as a lecturer at Thammasat University, Bangkok, during the past 20 years. Seksan rose to prominence in Thailand as both a writer and public figure, and his literary works are considered unique because of their consistency, original style and inspiring thoughts drawn from his direct experiences.Seksan Prasertkul was honoured as Thai National Artist in the field of literature for the year 2009.Elite+ 61